Prospective members are often concerned about whether they would enjoy a club specifically for ‘ladies’.  It is with this in mind that I set out below the frequently asked questions that I encounter in my postbag every day.

Q  Hi, I live alone and sometimes the only person I speak to all day is the lady at Tescos.  Would I enjoy the Umborne Ladies?

A  The Umborne Ladies are a group of very friendly people of all ages and backgrounds, they meet once a month on the second Tuesday at a quarter to 2.  They also have outings in the summer and a Christmas party and a Christmas dinner in a local public house.

Q   I have recently moved to Umborne from London where I was a Hedge Fund Manageress.  I have a pair of green Hunter wellies but do not know much about cows and sheep.  I love the orange coloured baler twine and have just discovered that the pretty pheasants are in fact the boy ones.  Would I fit in with the Umborne Ladies?

A The Umborne Ladies do not discriminate against anybody !  You would really enjoy the informative talks about all aspects of country life.  Our speakers are varied and interesting.  With your financial background have you ever considered becoming Treasurer, there is a vacancy?

Q   I do not usually like all women clubs, but my husband has recently retired and I am with him twentyfour~seven and he is driving me mad.  He is so pedantic that I cannot stack the dishwasher without him rearranging the plates and I am not allowed to put the central heating on until it is minus 6 degrees.  This year he even forgot my birthday.  Sometimes I am so frustrated I could put an axe through his head! –  would the Umborne Ladies help me?

A   No.  We cannot stop involuntary manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility.  We can however offer you a warm welcome in a warm, purpose built, superb hall.  For the paltry sum of £1 you would receive a cup of normal coffee (no chai latte things here) a free biscuit and a raffle ticket.  If you join and pay your subscription we can guarantee you a free bunch of flowers on your birthday.  If you still want to commit murder, at least you will be more relaxed when you do it.

Q  I have recently moved to Umborne.  I am 32 years of age and have a First Class Honours degree in Quantum Physics,  I am currently researching into the Creationism versus Darwinism debate with special reference to the Big Bang Theory, am I too clever for the Umborne Ladies?

A  Probably, yes.  If you give us a free talk, you may join.  In fact you certainly can because you are young and we need all the young people we can get.

Make this year special, join the Umborne Ladies, you will not regret it.

Come along on the second Tuesday of every month or alternatively contact Carol Forster on 01297 551338 for more information.